Monday, December 3, 2007

Dick and Silent Jack

Dear Neighbor Human,


We see you looking at us when walking by with the curious sack of dog waste in your hand. It's okay! Stare all you like! Really!

We know your kind.

You probably live just to scrape our tender flesh into great orgies of sugary pastry that slide sickeningly down your monstrous gullet. You might have enjoyed smashing our forefathers before us as a mischievous "prank" to give you the "shits and giggles." Oh, yes, my fairweather friend! I detect the sick glow of past pleasures in those non-triangular orbs.


Do you think we asked for this cruel fate? NO! Do you think our kind is born to suffer the ignominy of rot and decay (and putrescence, let's not forget putrescence), for YOUR entertainment? NO! Are we a PLAYTHING to you?! Well, HA HA HA! LOL! ROTFL! ;) :-)

Alas. It is difficult for Jack to laugh. As you might have noted, his face has quite caved in.

November was DICKENSIAN. :(

We are a proud fruit (NOT a vegetable...are you hearing me, friend? those guys are PUSSIES!). Our time is meant to be short, but illuminating. If I may quote from my favorite poet, Edna St. Vin...something or other:

My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends-
It gives a lovely light!


So this is what you're going to do. You're going to unpack all those years of seed-lust you've stowed away inside of you, and put us out of our misery. There is a hill out back. One heave is all it will take. The Great Pumpkin In The Sky demands it of you. C'mon already!!!

Good Neighbor Human, we've had the cruel trick.

Now throw us a treat.

Cordially Signed,

Silent Jack

p.s. The foolish Rottweiler that always barks at your canine transcribed. Pardon the pee.


Anonymous said...

Very, very good. I laughed out loud. I'm showing that one to my kids.

Jaye Wells said...

Now that was funny. Although the "you've got seed on your hands" line could be misconstrued. I'm just sayin'.

Shameless said...

Hahaha. lol. Nice perspective! They do look decidely peeved in the pic! :-)

Beth said...

Hahahaha doesn't do it justice. I was born on Halloween. This speaks to me.

Sarah Hina said...

I've been marveling at these poor, sad guys for the last three weeks. Finally sneaked in for the photo op. Someone, please put them out of their misery! It's December, and this sort of thing just isn't right.

Thanks, guys, for appreciating a different perspective from me. :)

And Jaye: HAHAHA! LOL! ROTFL! ;) :)

Talk about a different perspective.

Church Lady said...

LOL! From my 7 yr old: "Is pumpkin seed like pumpkin poop?"

This was funny!

Sarah Hina said...

Yes, it is absolutely pumpkin poop, CL's precocious child! (psst..I think he/she is ready for a blog). ;)

Anonymous said...

LOL! The voice of any angry young pumpkin. Well, they have good reason. Mutilating them and leaving them to rot. Shameful. ;)

Sarah Hina said...

It's really barbaric, Jason. Something must be done! ;)

Ello said...


I am as pissed off as your pumpkins as my very funny comment was eaten by blogger. At least I think it was funny cause I can't remember it!

Oh well! I just love all your posts and I have to say that you are now officially one of my absolute favorite blogs!

Sarah Hina said...

Aw, Ello, just seeing your avatar is funny enough for me. ;)

Thank you for the compliment, and right back at you!

Anonymous said...

Sarah, this was so good. I had to bring my hubby in to read it. He left the room with a big grin. Well done. And quill has left you a powerful words award on her blog at quill's place. You can find her in my post regarding that award or on my blog roll. Congratulations!

Sarah Hina said...

Thank you, easywriter!

I am very honored by quill's selection, and I will be working on a post regarding the contest soon. Watch the circle grow...