Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Letters (Part Twelve)

(Letters is my series exploring a war-
time relationship across the miles.
Find the beginning here.)

Note: This letter was delivered
the day after Patrick sent
the previous one.


I am overcome. Relieved. Hannah wrote, and told me of your recovery. Thank her for me. She's hurting right now.

I wish I could tell you exactly how I'm feeling. I've been trying so hard for the last couple days. But like the snake devouring its tail, my words keep eating themselves.

Hannah mentioned the poem. Let me wrap you in its words. This is what I want to say.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

You know it's true, Patrick. Whatever else I'm feeling, whatever my fears and worries, I have always been constant. Which is no great feat on my part. I am simply in love. And you are my ever-fixed mark. The sun to my moon. The root of my bud. The far and near.

Get well, darling. That's all. Everything else can be untangled. Whatever it takes. I see you wrinkling your brow at me as you read this. No, I'm not that naive. Not anymore. Love is not blind . . . I recognize that. But it can be our eyes. I will choose how I see through its bright, eternal prism. Because I know that my heart is carried within yours. To doubt that is to already dissect it away.

I have doubted too much in my life. Surrendered to the solitary swells, instead of chasing the long wave. I don't want to do that anymore.

My arms will be open for as long as it takes you to swim in them again.



p.s. There is a meteor shower tonight! They look like stars to me.


Part Thirteen is here


Karen said...

Oh, dear! Now she will receive his letter where he defensively tells her he can let her go if he must. Will she understand his pain, or will her pain be so great that she can't see beyond? You certainly know how to advance a plot and keep the reader eager for the next installment. Well done -- and unexpected!

Catvibe said...

I love this photo for eerie reasons I won't speak of right now. I love that their letters crossed. Each one must be very grateful to receive their parts though, I am anxious to see the next part (a reunion at last?)

David Cranmer said...

Once again you have chosen a great photo to go along with another outstanding entry. And "i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" comes across very powerful.

Aine said...

Ditto what Karen said!

Now I have to wait until the next installment... sigh.

I'm still curious about how Elise will respond to Patrick's last letter. But mostly I'm relieved that both seem to have remained committed and faithful.

Sarah Hina said...

Karen, I think crossed currents like this can present enormous challenges and misunderstandings. It's a weak feeling to not be in control of the simplest things. We'll see if Elise's strength of spirit holds up! :) Thank you for understanding all these subtleties so well.

Cat, now I'm very curious to hear those reasons...

The reunion is close. I'm debating about the next installment right now. But yes, it's nearing (at long last! :)).

David, thank you about the photo! I liked adding a more personal touch, as this is such an intimate series. All of those outside shots were looking too distant, somehow.

And yes, that poem is so remarkable and poignant to me. I'm glad you agree. :)

Aine, if they can bear this crisis, and still remain committed to one another, I think the roots of their bond will grow even deeper.

That which does not kill us...

(hypothetically, anyway ;))

Charles Gramlich said...

emotionally intense.

Little Girl Lost said...

Hello Sarah Hina, this is my first visit to your blog, and i loved your Letters series which i read from the beginning. your writing is magical!

Aniket Thakkar said...

I have said a lot already as to how much I love these people. I hope Patrick is good at swimming and reaches her arms soon. :-D

And like it is the trend I tend to express the one moment that blew me away.... so here it is:
"Because I know that my heart is carried within yours. To doubt that is to already dissect it away."

This line left me in thoughts for a loooong time.

Jennifer said...

Sarah!!! I am grinning in delight that you had the letters pass--a wonderful twist, and I admire it on a craft level! :)

I am stuck on the "whatever it takes." It comes after the "everything else can be untangled," so does she mean that--that they will do whatever it takes to mend any wounds, or is she referring to the "get well," and was Patrick right in guessing that she thought he was something to give?? That if it takes hanging on to Hannah in a more than platonic way, do it, do whatever it takes to get well?

I am on the edge of my seat for their reunion!

Sarah Hina said...

Charles, that intensity is born from their conditions, I think. Partly.

Little Girl Lost, I'm so pleased you took the time to read from the beginning! Thank you for the lovely compliment, and I hope you come back for more. :)

Aniket, I think that's true, to an extent. Obviously, we can't just believe in something, if the proof of its existence is lacking. But in times of stress and miscommunication, we are probably more likely to turn toward insecurities, and implode under the pressure. That's the instinct. The challenge is to focus less on the self (whether that be self-pity, resentment or self-loathing), and more on love's bond between.

Thank you again for resonating so strongly with these characters! And yes, Patrick is good at swimming, I think. ;)

Jennifer, I'm always eager to see your reaction, because you tend to draw out something critical that I'm sometimes not even aware of.

Would you hate me if I said, both? Which then begs the question, is she acting from a place of incredible strength, or a place of incredible desperation? I don't know if there's a right answer. Maybe the future will figure that out.

She loves him. She wants him. The tension between the two was her tug-of-war.

Thank you for your wonderful discussion!! Your enthusiasm is such a delight for me. Really, it makes my morning. :)

Anonymous said...

There's such a brightness and illuminating intensity to this letter. Like steering to the light of a great star whose name you don't know.

I believe what she says, and if it's true, Patrick's letter will wash off of her like a wave washes off the rock of an ancient shoreline.

Aniket Thakkar said...

Sarah, your comment had proven to be much more thought provoking for me than all letters combined. "self-pity, resentment or self-loathing" I have been having these mixed emotions lately...The proof of love has been there. But I don't know, but I crave for a sign that it matters to her as much as it does to me.

But the line "To doubt that is to already dissect it away" keeps running in my head now. I think I should leave my doubts behind now.

Thanks a lot. Though unknowingly, you have helped me make a real tough choice.

Sarah Hina said...

Jason, I really like your description. We need the strength born of experience and self awareness before sailing towards someplace new.

I'm so eager to bring these two together now. But I think their separation has made them better people, and deepened their connection. So maybe they're lucky, too.

Thank you for sticking with the journey! :)

Aniket, I'm very humbled and grateful if that is the case. Thank you so much for letting me know I've had that kind of impact on your life. It's such a rare gift for you to tell me such a thing.

People have so many different ways of expressing their love. I will guess, by knowing you as little (or well) as I do, that you are probably exuberant when in love. Which is a beautiful, beautiful trait to have. :)

She, however, may keep it closer inside. Be a little more guarded. I'm wildly speculating, since I know nothing of her circumstances, that any walls could be due to her own fears of loss or some kind of insecurity.

I guess the best we can do is ask when we're uncertain, but don't ask and cling so much that we're threatening the very thing we want to protect. A certain level of trust is absolutely essential, yes.

Okay, I'm going to stop pretending I know what I'm talking about now. ;) But thank you again, Aniket. I'm overwhelmingly touched!

K.Lawson Gilbert said...

I am with Jason on this one...I think she will realize he was not in a "good place" - figuratively or literally - at the time he wrote the letter - and will excuse the letter as part of his overall illness. (body and mind both weakened by pain and anguish)

She is strong in her own way and I know she wants a life with Patrick.

(for you are my fate, my sweet)-

I don't think she meant those words lightly!!!!

Fantastic, Sarah! Great photo and interesting turn. ;)

Sarah Hina said...

K, she does take those words seriously. That poem is the height of romantic love, but there is truth in it, too. And a promise.

We do carry one another in our hearts. And when one heart hurts, that pain can easily spread to the other. I think such an idealistic reminder of love's power can go some way toward uplifting our thoughts, while steadying our very real actions. There's so much to be gained over the long term in holding someone that near. :)

Thank you again, K! It's always a delight to hear your reactions.

Aniket Thakkar said...

Sorry for replying so late, as I was sorting things out. And am currently visiting m elder brother for a weekend.

And now I am getting psyched. Has anyone actually seen Sarah? I mean she could be my fairy godmother for all I know.

You are not someone I know, who is playing a prank right? (Just kidding)
But on a serious note, "clinging so much that we're threatening the very thing we want to protect."
was exactly was the thing I was doing. And thanks to you we have now talked it over.
Things are much better now. I am also having sessions wit Aine now. :-D :-D

But this comment section was supposed to be for Patrick and Elise and I am sorry for stealing their thunder.

I owe you one bigggggg time. Thank you, so so much for this... Life is Beautiful, again. :)

PS: I don't know how you do this, but you are like a mentalist or something. I gave you a couple of lines and you figured out the complete story of my life (with little deviations of course, which are human... but still its scary.) I know her for 8 years and yet you read me much better. Irony.

Vesper said...

These two letters are so immensely powerful not only for the love and hurt they each contain but also for crossing each other on the way...
My heart hurts for both of them. I hope they can untangle everything else...

Ello said...

Beautiful photo. And I have to wonder about what happens next. For some reason I'm worried by these two letters. Worried about what happens when they meet. But I can't wait!

How's editing?

Chris Eldin said...

Oh my.
Wait--what is Karen saying? Did I miss a letter?

I need to go and come back...

Chris Eldin said...


How you weave the layers of love and emotion into their words, and make us feel their torment.

I'm going to indulge myself tomorrow with a nice coffee, and start from the beginning, and savor these one by one.