I didn’t know I was to fall in love.
We only just met. Him, the night janitor, shunning an emptied mall. Me, a pale meditation, working to be filled.
I admit to playing coy. I eluded those ink-stained fingers, and stumbled down false corridors. He followed with a traveler's curiosity, and the ticklish frustration. I lost myself in the shadows, but he was always there, pinning me against the wall, making me believe in this new architecture. I saw myself reflected in the windows of his eyes, and laughed into the night.
From the darkness, another laugh rebounded.
And so I found this other laughing man, and we laughed together, as shadows in our Writer's puppet theater.
I didn’t know I was to fall in love.
But for His words.
Bridging the paper synapses of our hearts.
14 comments:
How forbidden and enticing! Delicious!
Yeah, that is so contagious.
I wrote this pretty hastily and don't know how successful I was at showing that the narrator is a product of the janitor/writer's imagination, as he brings her (and another) to life as a character.
Thank you for your comments!
Wow! It works for me and yes I think you did exactly what you set out to do.
Brilliant! And yes, you *more* than succeeded!!
I really love this part in the middle:
I admit to playing coy. I eluded those ink-stained fingers, and stumbled down false corridors. He followed with a traveler's curiosity, and the ticklish frustration. I lost myself in the shadows, but he was always there, pinning me against the wall, making me believe in this new architecture.
Easywriter and CL, thank you for boosting my confidence!
I too often fall into the trap of heavy revising. I'm partially using this blog to see if I can be a little freer with my writing.
But some of the insecurity lingers. So thanks. :)
And easywriter, I really loved your last blog post. It stuck in my mind throughout the day.
Oh, this worked very well. I got it straight away. Very nice. :-)
So very pretty - the ink stains clued me in. I loved it!
Hi Sarah again, I am a reviser too and have even revised some work right out of existence and thanks again. Even my posts are not exempt. :o)
Thank you, shameless and ello. As always. :)
I hear you, easywriter. I am a chronic second-guesser. It's exhausting!
I had a little trouble with this one. Beautiful writing and beautiful content, as always. I think I needed more of the hard reality of the scene before the abstract elements. That would have grounded it for me.
Regardless, your pieces are always mesmerizing.
I appreciate your honesty, Jason. And your soft cushioning of it. ;)
I wasn't completely satisfied with this story, but decided that there is something to be said for free writing. I wrote it quickly as a concept piece, and wanted it to live only in that moment. It is rather amorphous, though, and I understand what you're getting at.
Thank you for your input! It's always welcome. :)
If we don't experiment and push the envelope with blogging, we're missing a wonderful opportunity. I love getting feedback too! It's offered in the spirit of friendship and helps me understand that greatest of mysteries--what first-time readers see when they read something I've written.
It is a rare luxury, Jason. I would much rather someone told me his sincere take on something than hide behind faint praise.
After having my novel rejected by roughly fifteen publishers, my skin is getting pretty thick, anyway!
Thanks again, and I hope we all keep pushing one another to become better. :)
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